Ahhhhhhhhhh Friday.  Well, technically it's Thursday BUT it's Remembrance Day tomorrow, therefore we have a long weekend! WOOT!  Short week followed by a long weekend or vise versa is one of the small perks to a 9-5 day job :)

What to tell, what to tell? 

Getting over a lung infection... ohhh yeahhh how sweet.  Not so sweet.  My rents were in Mexico for a week, and I was in bed pretty much the whole time.  This was supposed to be a week of epic partying and getting up to no good... and I could barely breathe or stay awake.  Boooo.  Oh, let's not forget to mention the pleasure of looking after my little brother.  What a treat.  I will say for the record that I am so beyond babysitting, so beyond being a live-in babysitter for when my parents decide to go away.  This is the third time this year that I've watched him for a week... this time they ruined two of my weekends.  Which ended up being fine due to above-mentioned events, but still.  I look forward to the weekends because that's when I can get out of the house without a million questions being asked.

Actually... let's get into this.  I am going fucking bonkers living with my parents.  Don't get me wrong, I completely appreciate them taking me in and all that.  But I'm tired of the hassle.  I'm tired of the rules.  The only rules when I moved in were "Don't come home drunk" and "Call us if you're not coming home for the night - we don't care where you are, you're 24 years old - you can come and go as you please."

Yeah. Right.  Two weeks ago, the Friday night before they left for Mexico, it was Halloween weekend.  They ruined it with their trip (absolutely no consideration for the fact that it's the BIGGEST party weekend of the year and that I might actually have plans)... but back on subject - I was out for dinner and java with my bestie.  I got a call at 9:30pm asking where I was, "work has been over for 4 hours and we haven't heard from you."  OMG REALLY?!  WHO CARES! I'm freakin 24 years old, I can be where I want when I want.  Then, a few weeks ago when I hooked up with that boy I got the third degree about where I spent the night... THAT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, PEOPLE!  SERIOUSLY!  The next time that I'm asked that, I will be saying "oh I stayed at a guy's house, I was drunk and couldn't come home so..." 

Really parents... get a grip.  Then there's the general house rules - heat is to stay low unless my mom turns it up when SHE is cold and then she cranks it way too hight.  The not being able to leave anything on the main floor thing is ridiculous as well - everything must be kept in my room.  THEN there's the shower rule - no longer than 10 minutes or you will be charged for every minute over and above.  Yep.  Did I mention that while they were in Mexico, they left the fridge practically empty (no fruits or vegetables at ALL) and gave us $20 for groceries for the week.  Mhmm.  That just happened.

You might think I'm being a brat for ranting about this when my parents are doing me the favour of letting me live with them... which would be true.  Except I pay $500 a month for these rules and BS - with another mandatory $500 to be put into savings.  So $1000 of my income every month I have zero control over, and do not get a say in how my $500 is spent.  Yep.  I'm pretty sure I could find a place to live for the same or a little more, where I had MY OWN rules and didn't have to deal with the constant tension in that house.  Someone is ALWAYS pissed about something.

RAGE!

Anyways.  The plan is to move out in the spring, I hope with everything I am that this can happen because I am going bat-shit crazy with these people.  Love them more than anything else in the world, but they drive me crazy and there was a reason I moved out when I was 18.  They are nazi's about the stupidest things - which causes them stress, yet they won't STOP being Nazi's so they don't have the stress.  Make sense?

On a more positive note... I finally am making enough money that I can have a social life.  Woot!  I am going dancing with my bestie tonight, then afterwards staying at the sexy boy's house again for a wonderful marathon of sexy goodness.  Yep.  I officially have a fuck-buddy.  Go team!  It seems pretty simple, the concept of it... and it's working really well for me.

THEN there is the other boy who wants to date me.  Well, he wanted to - I dunno if that's still the case, we had a bit of a tiff the other day and he's been weird ever since.  He seems like a really good guy.  I guess we'll see what happens.  It is pretty weird with him because it's like we're dating - we interact like we are already.  Including mini arguments and lovey and all that.  It's strange, but I like it.  I dunno, I sent him a message yesterday saying "I feel like you're mad at me"... haven't heard anything, so maybe my intuition is right.  *shrug* I guess we'll find out soon enough... I've got to develop some semblance of patience with boys... I really don't have any anymore - I want to know answers immediately.  I want response immediately, I am tired of games and just want everything on the table.  I dunno if this is the right way to handle things though, because it doesn't seem to be paying off.  Or maybe it is, I dunno anymore.

I thought blogging would clear up my brain, but in fact it has made me feel more confused.  Awesome.

Enjoy the long weekend peeps... if nothing else good happens, at least I'm getting some action tonight.  WOOT!

Erry day I'm shufflin!

Hollllaaaaaa!

Quick updates... work - got a big fat raise, so I'm not looking for another job anymore.  YAY!  Happy to stay here, it's the most relaxed atmosphere ever.  I get paid more than I did at my old job, and the stress level is pretty much non-existent.  I can deal with this.

Family is good, friends are great.

The man sitch?  I'm glad you asked.  Pretty quickly after my last entry I punted the "boyfriend".  I don't even feel like he was my boyfriend, so it's extremely weird to refer to him that way.  Either way... shit just wasn't right with him... I found myself making excuses again for him if he wasn't already doing so.  I found myself accepting things that I knew I wasn't happy to accept and would make me feel resentful in the future.  I also discovered that I wasn't physically attracted to him AT ALL.  Seeing him naked was not a enticing experience by any stretch of the imagination... which is too bad, at least the ex had that going for him.

So I guess I broke it off with him like a month ago or so?  I dunno, it really hadn't evolved that far for me, I was hardly invested so it was a pretty easy decision once I talked to my wonderful friends and discussed all the pros and cons.

Regardless... I decided at that point in time that I am just going to have fun.  Whatever fun comes my way, I'm going to enjoy it for what it is.  No relationship, no commitment, no drama - whatever comes of it is fine... but I'm not seeking it out.

Lucky me... met a gent a couple week's ago and spent the night at his place on Saturday.  May I just say for the record... best sex of my life.  OF MY LIFE.  Not once, not twice, not even 3 times... 7 times. And each was hot and sweaty and so sexy.  I hope to do it again really soon although it's been hard to walk hahahaha!

So I leave you with that... ponder it, rub it in your face, give it a little kiss... figure out what you want and just DO IT.  Fuck stigmas, fuck people and their misinformed opinions.  Just because you have casual sex with someone does not make you a whore... start having casual sex frequently with multitudes of people, then we might need to re-evaluate.  But sex is a part of life, a HEALTHY part of life if you're safe about it and can handle it emotionally.  I've done it before and I couldn't separate the sex from the emotional side of life... somewhere along the road here I have managed to do so and I have never been more impressed with myself for going after something I wanted and getting it.

Remember friends... nobody wants a present that isn't wrapped... be safe and have fun!

Hollaaaa!

I love that I'm alone with my thoughts here.  I love that this is my one place where I'm not judged, I don't have to fear speak my mind.

That unintentionally just turned into a segue... interesting.  Speaking my mind.  Well.  The people who know me would tell you that I very frequently speak my mind, there is rarely a topic that I will bite my tongue on. I mean, there are times when I will for sake of not offending or tainting someone's view of things - sometimes you need to let them work these things out on their own.  And sometimes when you blab your opinion on something that may not be the best situation, the other person may feel threatened and not trust you in the future with that information... for fear of judgement.

Here's the problem.  I speak my mind with everyone else, except the boyfriend.  Basically... we're already having problems.  And he hasn't done anything wrong... I think if anyone has, it's me.  Not "wrong" perse, but still not right.  I'm afraid to tell him my thoughts... afraid to tell him things that might offend him... afraid to tell him if something he's said bothers me. 

I've figured out that this is because of a whole schwack of reasons.  I just don't know if any of them matter at the end of the day.

Red flags... remember how I said I'd run at the sight of red flags?  I feel like I'm constantly looking for them.  I'm looking for things that don't exist.  I'm making him suffer because of my ex and the emotional/mental torture he put me through during our relationship - mostly the last month, but it was there the entire time.

I'm back to my normal self... so my rents say.  They had told me for the whole time I was with the ex that I'd changed - and I had.  I hurt a lot of people that mattered a lot to me and some of the relationships are not repairable.  Well they might be, but I doubt it.  It can't hurt to try, right?

Anyways.  These reasons... wait maybe I should just outline exactly what went on this last weekend and then the picture will be much clearer.  Might help me get my brain out of this blender it's been in for two days now.  Well it's been a while actually, just on the "Liquefy" setting for the last three days.

I spent the weekend with him... again.  That's been the routine for the last... 3 or 4 weekends?  Anyways... we don't DO anything.  We just sit and watch movies, which in turn means a lot of cuddling and sleeping because we're just blobs on the couch.  Now.  That was the old me.  I was perfectly okay with that for years because I was in a rut... but now... I'm down 40lbs in 4 months.  The momentum is forcing me to keep going with the weightloss thing.  40lbs is 1/3 of the total weigh I need to get rid of, and let me tell you - the being under 200lbs mark is about the most exciting thing that I can think of at this point.  I am about 2 sizes from fitting in to "XL" in most stores, and 14 sized pants.  This is so exciting.

ANYWAYS. Another tangent.  What I'm saying here is that I'm not prepared to slide back down.  I want to be active.  I don't even care if all that includes is walks and feeding the ducks... just something enjoyable.  Not sitting around on the couch every day eating shitty food and watching movies.  That's awesome when it's every once in a while. Not every day.


So there's that.  Then we're going to pick up dinner (he is the fussiest eater... omggg) and I'm asking him where his gym is - he says "Down by the Maid." I was like "uhhh why?  That's far, you live on the other side of town." He goes, "Yeah but I'm there everyday and I don't pay for gas so it really doesn't matter."  I took that to mean he was at the Maid every day.  It didn't sit well.  The Maid is a strip club.  Regardless... that planted the seed. By the time early Wednesday morning rolled around, the damn seed was a oak tree.

In between this seed being planted and the oak tree, a few things happened.  For whatever reason, he didn't want to sleep with me.  Which is strange. And WTF is with me finding guys that don't have high sex drives like me?  I gotta work on this shit.  Anyhoo... that made me feel self-conscious, because a girl has gotta wonder why the hell her boyfriend (who otherwise cannot keep his hands of her) doesn't want to be intimate.  Fair enough.  I asked him if it was pressure, or he was nervous or anything and he said no. 

Monday comes along... I'm getting upset about the stripper thing.  I'm doing the typical thing I do and being a drama queen trying to figure it out.  I talk to all my friends and decide I need to talk to him about it.  Can't get ahold of him Monday, I knew he was working late but still... usually I get a text or something through out the day. I call him again at 10pm, manage to wake him up... I get he was tired (and super whiney) but like a little perkiness would be appreciated.  I ask him if he wants to go back to sleep, he goes "not right now" so I start engaging him in conversation.  Ask him how his day was, there was dead air.  By this time, now I'm pissed.  I'm pissed about the strippers, I'm pissed about the lack of any communication today, and now I'm pissed about the fact that he can't even wake up to talk to me.  I say "Just go back to sleep. Bye." and hangup... you know, dramatic-like because I'm a drama queen... fully expecting him to go "wtf... uh oh" and call me back.  Nope.  Nadda.

Tuesday morning arrives, I get three texts in the morning apologising for the night before, and that his work phone was being turned in, as it was a POS and they were going to get him a new one eventually.  Tells me he's going to put some money on his BC phone and would call me that night...  In the meantime, I have java with Linds... the bff.  We talk about it, she tells me she has a bad feeling and to get out.  Then I talk to Lee-Ann, she doesn't seemed pleased by what I'm telling her.  Then I decide if I don't hear from him I'm done... go to leave Lee-Ann's, and call his BC phone - user is not available.  I was done.  Went home, sent him and offline MSN message and said I can't see him anymore, have no other way to contact him so MSN has to do.

Hear nothing from him all day Wednesday.  Then finally that night, he's on MSN.  I want to talk to him, but I told him not to talk to me.  He bites the bullet after a couple hours of watching me sign in, sign back out (to get his attention, maybe) ... asks for closure, if there's a hope or if what's done is done.  I tell him what's done is done but will of course give him closure, I could never put someone what Matt put me through as far as closure goes, that week and a half was torturous. 

Anyways we talk, bla bla bla... he doesn't go to strippers, he got mad for me twisting his words into that.  I said I didn't twist, I didn't KNOW what he meant and I wanted to clarify for three days but couldn't get ahold of him because he DIDN'T HAVE A PHONE.  Maybe next time I should send a telegraph!  We banter back and forth, I'm crying and he's very obviously hurt.  I wasn't expecting to cry... I thought I'd made the best decision for me.  Now if that's the case, why was I feeling hopeful that we could change some things and go forward? 

Let me get this perfectly straight - I am NOT fixing, any longer.  Although this situation parallels the Matt thing pretty damn close in some ways, the important things are what are different.  He's not guilt-tripping me (except about a bed he bought... which I don't think was even really a guilt-trip, more to do with facts of spending $1200 to make sure your gf is comfortable)... he's not telling me what I want to hear... in fact, he's said that I need time to figure out what I want and he'll give me space to do so.  But conditions of us potentially working on things are that I have to be more open... I have to tell him when things bother me.  I have to tell him how I'm feeling about things, otherwise I bottle it up and it all comes out in one explosion.  NO KIDDING... I think that's why I'm even entertaining this idea, because buddy knows what he's talking about as far as I'm concerned.  I'm not perfect even a little bit... wouldn't dare claim I was... but he is perfectly right in saying the biggest problem we have is communication.

So here's the question of the week... when the HELL did COMMUNICATION become my biggest problem?  Pffftttttttt hahahaha omg if anything my two serious ex's would tell you, expressing my feelings was never a problem.  The thing that is the game-changer is the last couple months with Matt.  Everything I said was met with "think positive", "only you can change it", "put what you want out into the universe and  you shall receive" and just generic fluffy bullshit when I was on the verge of suicide.  It wasn't supportive, it wasn't a discussion... when I was upset it was only just stupid fluff and him not listening to me.  And I think that broke me, or who I used to be anyways.  At least Dan would console me and wipe away my drama-filled tears, and try whatever way he could to make me feel better.  That's what this one wants to do and I'm pushing him away.  Damn you Matt, damn you damn you damn you... the way you treat women is ASTOUNDING, I can only imagine how your ex feels with having a child that looks exactly like you.  I couldn't deal with it, not at all.

The way I look at this "taking J back" is as follows:  I'm not living with him.  I have no serious commitment to him other than my heart.  The worst case scenario at this point is I get myself a bit deeper, and things don't work out.  I always have the choice to walk away.   I think more than anything, I need to listen to the guy - he seems to know what he's talking about.  And he's not done anything wrong, I guess that's the biggest point.  Because my mind is constantly looking for the terrible wrong things with him, he's getting the short end of the stick.  I need to be on alert for the red flags for SURE, but making them up in my head and that becoming the reality needs to stop right now.  Period.

Wish me luck.  They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, right?  So.

Here we go boys and girls... fasten your seatbelts.

Another month has come and gone... yikes-a-rama.

Well!  We all know I solemnly swore last entry that I wouldn't be discussing the ex any more - at that time I didn't think there would be a need.  However, I feel this is a positive ending to things and would like to mention it.

Out of nowhere, I received a text from him asking about his passport.  I informed him that I had taken it to the passport office when I didn't hear from him, and also congratulated him on his engagement.  Unexpectedly, he thanked me.  We had a back and forth conversation that lasted about an hour or two, and he said I had given him a lot of things to think about and he is working on his integrity.  He also admitted fully that he is a narcissist... didn't expect that one, but he did.  I voiced my concern for this girl he's marrying, told him to break up with her properly when he does in fact do it.  He laughed, we joked about his narcissistic tendencies.  I informed him I knew where he lives, and to stay away from my favourite pub.  We ended the conversation on a positive note and I can honestly say that was it - I had gained everything I suppose I needed.

I hate leaving things on a bad note.  It leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and it takes a long time to recover from the situation emotionally when you are still spiteful.  I can truthfully say that it was freeing to have that conversation for whatever reason.  Doesn't change my feelings towards him and what he's done to me... it just put me at peace with it all I guess.

THAT is officially it.  I shall not be bringing him up again unless something crazy happens, but I expect this should be my last encounter with him.

So anyways, moving on with my life.  Work is... mundane on the best of days.  I spend a lot of time on facebook, emailing, texting, and now blogging.  I've been looking for some other jobs but it just doesn't seem to be happening for some reason.

Had two interviews a couple weeks ago... on the way home from one of them, I got a transit ticket because my ticket had expired while I was on the train.  Awesome, right?  Then, I drove to the other interview a couple days later and drove my poor SUV into a low-clearance stall.  There's about 4-5 thousand dollars worth of damage to the thing, the interior lining of the roof is creased and things just don't look right at all.  Poor car.

Friends... I have some seriously awesome friends, man.  I knew that my bff was awesome, but having spent a lot of time with my other friends this summer I've come to realise that I am truly blessed in this department.  BLESSED!  I miss my dear friend M... she has moved back to the other side of the country until Spring of next year.  I'm worried for her, she's having some health issues.  She is my longest time friend, we've been pals since we were 12 years old - through pretty much most of life's trials and tribulations, because really how many of those happen before you are 12 years old?  LA... what an angel.  Just love spending time with her, she makes me laugh and is a good shoulder.  Then there's S - that girl and I will be friends until we die.  Former college roommates - a bond has been made there that will probably never be broken.  L... the bff. Good god where would I be without her?  I think I'm just going to write an entry dedicated to her one day.  J - an old friend who I lost touch with, but have rekindled in the last couple months.  Again, a friendship that I think will last for an eternity.  Then there's the boys... Brandon & Tony.  Just awesome guys, always there to listen and offer advice - and vise versa.  Stellar people all around.  Aaaannnndddd last but not least - Haywood.  Now there's someone that deserves an entire entry to themselves... jeezus this guy is... *sigh*.  I guess he gets at least his own paragraph.

Haywood and I met through work - he was a contractor for the promo goods I was in charge of managing.  Now, from the first moment he and I ever spoke on the phone, there was undeniable chemistry.  He is probably a lot of the reason I broke off my engagement - I had feelings for him.  I waited for a whole year before I broke the engagement off, thinking the feelings would die down.  They didn't.  Then I started dating the ex and basically cut ties with Haywood for the most part because I didn't want my feelings for him to become a problem again - and the ex was major jealous of him (as he should have been, Haywood is a million times the man my ex was).  Anyways.  I thought my feelings for him had disappeared because I hadn't seen him for so long... had coffee with the guy and as soon as he pulled up in his truck I was done for again.  WTF!!!!! He stepped out, dirty and rough from a day on the ranch and he looked amazing.  Clearly working on the ranch has been doing wonders for him, his biceps were popping and his chest was so built... and he grew his hair out a little and was so damn tanned... *drool*  It was nice to have coffee with him, but I have since decided that if I am to have any healthy relationship in the future I need to stop talking to Haywood.  I guess the icing on the whole cake is that I really don't hear from him unless I initiate contact... so I'm just going to stop.  If he had ever wanted something to happen between us, it would have.  And he's a workaholic - I could never be with someone who doesn't want kids and will begrudge ever having them if he did end up doing so.  I want someone that will be there emotionally and physically - not out on the ranch all day and passed out on the floor when he gets home.  So. Haywood is cut off.  Or, rather, I'm cut off from Haywood.

Now... all of the above would be perfectly acceptable if I was a single girl still.  But alas, I am not!  Yep.  It's true.  There is a new man on the scene.  Too soon?  Sure feels like it... but I can't stay away from him.  I'm not addicted (I don't think... yet...) to him, but I am eager to see where things go with him.  He's older - 30 years old... so 5.5 years older and it seems to be a really good thing.  A reformed bad boy looking to settle down in the next few years... that's how I'd describe him. 

Things are moving slowly and quickly at the same time... it's hard to explain.  The physical aspect of things has been a bit slower, but the emotional side is pretty hefty.  This boy is crazy in love with me already... and I'm okay with it, as long as he's not planning to ask me to marry him anytime soon HAHAHA!

For me though... I'm trying to be a bit reserved.  Did I mention I spent 4 of the last 5 nights at his house?  But on a serious note - I'm so comfortable with him.  For the first time in my dating life, he wraps his arms around me and I feel safe.  Like if something were to happen - he could protect me and he would. 

He opens the car door for me, pays for everything, fills my gas tank (because he lives so damn far away and I'm broke), etc. etc. etc.  He is truly awesome.  Faults?  Of course.  I am being very aware of everything this time, and any signs of red flags - I'm outta there.  So far though... everything that has bothered me (all manageable things, like hygiene issues) we've talked about and all is well.  It's kinda crazy.

Now the next point here... I'm staying reserved because I'm scared.  I'm scared to hand my heart over to another guy, especially so soon after it was crushed.  I'm also hesitant about it all because I'm worried I'm a serial relationshipper.  That person that can't be alone.  Maybe it's true, but I don't really think so - that doesn't mean the thought hasn't been in my mind lately.  I don't want to involve this  boy in my life if it's just because I can't be alone... but I'm happy alone.  I had the GREATEST summer being single - despite the drama and the shitty things going on. So I really don't think it has anything to do with me not being able to stay single.  Let's hope not, otherwise this boy is going to get hurt and I will do anything to make sure that doesn't happen.

I think it's more or less just the timing here that is scaring me.  But I can't let him go simply because I'm afraid... at this point I have no other reason to let him go so I'm just going to roll with it.  And I've told him all these things too.. gawsh, I could talk to him about nothing... forever.

Now we just have to get rid of the brother... yeah surprise - another loser brother.  *sigh* he's not a loser... he just makes loser decisions.  And I'd like to be able to sleep with my boyfriend and have some privacy... crazy, right?  Well it might be happening... the boyfriend was saying today that he thinks he's going to get his own place sooner than later.  I sure hope that's the case.

That's all for now... time to go home! YAY!

Happy Thursday all, I'll leave you with something the boyfriend said.

"If you live your life afraid of what might happen, you're never going to actually live.  Take a chance... you never know it could be the best thing you ever did."

It's been a really long ass time since I wrote in here.  Two months... I've said it once, I'll say it a million more times - time flies.

Sad news... a life-long friend passed away from a drug overdose at the tender age of 22 on June 25, 2011.  My mom and I headed out to the west coast the last week of June for the funeral and to offer our support to the family.  The experience was ... depressing? informative?  Exhausting?  Frustrating?  Eye-opening?  Makes you appreciate the life you do have. I did escape the drama and headed on a solo mission out to Nanaimo to see my dear friend whom I haven't seen in 5 years.  Managed to get myself a serious flu of sorts too which stayed with me for 3 weeks after the fact.  Ohhh yeah.

So much has happened in the last two months... my best friend is married!  Had the shower, the bachelorette, various wedding activities that basically consumed my life for the last three months.  I had the hottest date of all time, too! *giggle* Oh, I have a job... and I've lost 30lbs (woot!)!!! Someway, somehow, through all the chaos that has consumed my life in the last 3 months, I'm still paving my way. 

I think I'm far stronger than I ever gave myself credit for before now - and I would thank his royal highness for it but it's not because of him that I re-discovered how amazing I can be, and how proud of myself I should be.  If he were the man that I deserved instead of the scared little selfish bastard he ended up being... I wouldn't have ended up in the depressive state I was in.  I wouldn't have had to RE-discover anything if he hadn't shown up on the scene to begin with, to take advantage of me when I was utterly and completely vulnerable.  As Carrie Underwood sings... "I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face... I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it!"

Now, we all know that there would have to be an update on the situation seeing as it's been... 3 months? Over 13 weeks? I've found out lots of interesting info about him, more lies uncovered, and more absolute shitty behaviour towards me... I'm not even going to get into it at all because at this point, it's par for the course.  Life is way too short to waste it trying to figure out exactly why this or why that happened, or to give a shit about the situation anymore than I do at the moment - he's not worth any MORE of my time.  So.  One last mini-rant about him and then I'm done!  I solemnly swear this will be my last blog entry referencing the situation.

I feel so sorry for that girl he's snowed... but in all fairness, she was warned.  And honestly, she should be fucking smarter than a stick at 27/28 years old.  Apparently he's going to ask her to marry him pretty quickly here.  HAHA four months in... or whatever it has REALLY been since they ACTUALLY started seeing eachother... Who effing knows.  He's a smooth talker so I'm sure she'll say yes - I'm beginning to think that's why he started looking elsewhere; I told him in the Dominican last year that we/he had some work to do before I'd marry him when he sort of half-proposed on the beach without proposing officially.

Did I mention he's living around the corner from my parents house?  Awesome, eh?  Like seriously dude... you couldn't have found ANYWHERE ELSE in this city of over 1 million people to move to?!  Pretty sure it's not HIS place, he can't afford to wipe his shit on 2-ply TP at his rate of pay.  Ohhhhhhhhh yeah and he's told me that because Calgary is sooo expensive I won't be seeing a dime of all the money he owes me.  Too bad I have his address, eh?  Bet he'll be in for QUITE the shock when he finds the court papers in the mailbox suing him for 50% of the debt incurred while we were common law (which he somehow figures is 3 years... when in reality it's actually 6 months... retard).  I told him to see a lawyer... I'm betting he didn't heed my advice.

ANYWAYSSSSSSSSSSSSS... onto more exciting and positive things... I'm seeing some gents... yes, plural.  A couple have come and gone in the time it's been since I last blogged... Just keeping it all casual, I don't need or want anything serious for a while (unlike our dedicated hero mentioned above, apparently he can't WAIT to nail down some rich bitch so he can take her for everything she's worth... sign a pre-nup, honey!).  Dating is entertaining, however I've been far too busy to legitimately spend any time with any of them.  Which is how it should be - this is my time.  Time to figure out who I am and where I'm going.  It takes longer than one would think.

Well!  I think it's time to hit the hay, I am employed and they do expect me to show up for the hours that I expect to be paid for (what the helllllll?!?!).

One last note... not that anyone reads this.  I just want to tell any possible girls/guys that have someone shatter their heart - it gets better.  Ladies - there ARE men out there that have vehicles, aren't deadbeat dads, make good money, will spoil you, pay for YOU instead of reverse, live on their own, aren't complete assholes and won't EVER lie to you even ONCE, let alone for your entire relationship.  They do exist.  I've found a FEW so that means there has to be many more out there.

Remember - what is meant to be will be!  Don't waste your time on shit that you know you're better off with out.  If you feel that way, then you're perfectly right.  Trust your gut, it knows better than anyone else ever will.

I'll keep the faith... hoping you do, too.

Hello folks!

It has officially been... 4 weeks since my dreadful split with the ex?  Four weeks already?  I guess time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it?  Seems to ring true the older I get.

Truth time - I haven't missed him for even a second.  Weird?  I thought you might say that.  I came to this realisation about two weeks ago... and was wondering if maybe I was just keeping myself distracted so as not to feel those feelings... but honestly... there's nothing but happiness that his drama is no longer my problem!  It's the strangest feeling to have been in a relationship, fucked up as it may have been, which you were so dedicated to and felt so in love with the other person - to have it all gone so quickly and be able to function perfectly fine.

Yes, I was upset those first few days - maybe even the first week or so... I was allowed to be!  The betrayal and utter disgusting fashion in which I was treated, well that was something to be upset over.  But I'm not upset that he's gone... which means he never really gave me much in the first place, doesn't it?  Having this all come to light in the last couple weeks has been made a dramatic change to my life.  I guess the big picture is... you can't miss something that wasn't real.  You can be sad that you were duped into believing it, but you can't miss it - that's like missing a broken leg... yes it happened, but it's not something you wish you could have back.  I wonder if that makes any sense?

I've been the most productive in the last few weeks than I think I ever have been... slowly but surely things are coming together.  Unfortunately, some things are going to be a big burden for a long time, but that's what happens when you make unwise decisions.  I've learned so many lessons from that relationship - not just about other people, but more about myself and how I just jump with two feet when I don't really know the other person.  And red flags, are red flags.  They aren't just going to disappear over time - and leopards should have to prove their spots have been changed, not just tell you they have so you believe it.

Another nail in the coffin of the dreadful relationship is how he's treated me in the ending of things... I honestly can't believe I gave so much of myself to such a selfish person.  Always believing the best in people isn't a bad thing, but it definitely has it's downfalls.  I guess I should always stick to the motto I've had since my friends first started dating: "There's a reason you broke up the first time; unless that reason has changed, or the people in the relationship have actually changed, history will just repeat itself."

I was a pretty smart cookie in the olden days... and I'm going to be that smart cookie in the coming days too.  Look out world, this Social Butterfly is single!

You stay classy, San Diego.

Good evening!!

It is a relatively good evening, truthfully!  Life has a funny way of snapping you back to your old self pretty quickly once you stop singing your "woe is me" song.  Which I'm not anymore... thank goodness!!!!!!!!

I stopped talking to the ex the day of my last entry, when I'd found out that he had been cheating.  Now having the official knowledge for the last 5 days, it's been a pain-staking process of putting more pieces of the puzzle together.  Which is perfectly okay... I feel amazing compared to where I was only 2 weeks ago.

My life is completely different ... just that quickly.  It is different in so many good ways, it's hard to even care about the feelings that I had only a couple short weeks ago.  I know I'm still "hurt", but I have done so much work for myself recently that I feel great.  Honestly!

I messaged the ex last night to discuss money... he owes me a pretty penny.  Let's just say I went from being in $9k worth of debt when he showed up on the scene, to $25k + a $20k car.  Not blaming him - ultimately I decided to swipe my card.  However... he played a large part in the amounts that have accrued.

As always, he was an egotistical jackass, threatening me with telling the cops that I am holding his passport.  HE is the one that left it behind, I didn't take it and at the moment I have no idea where it is as I just moved this passed weekend.  Seriously buddy, get a grip!  I told him nicely that he could have it back when I find it, but that I'm busy and I might be more motivated to waste time doing so if he sent some money my way.  Fact, fact, fact!!!

Anyways, he started telling me he felt bad for the situation, that he's only going to give me $2.5k - basically implying that I should be happy I'm getting anything because legally he isn't obligated.  HAHA somebody should stop watching stupid court shows, most of that shit isn't reality.  We argued for a chunk of the afternoon, I told him I'd be taking him to small claims court and he was of the opinion that I wouldn't win.

Maybe I wouldn't... but I'm pretty sure that I have a strong enough case to prove that he incurred the debt with me.  Either way, it doesn't matter... I just thought it was interesting that he even went there.  Like buddy... you owe me essentially $14.5k ... if everything is added up over the year.  Spent my money like it was effin water.

I am pretty hopped-up on codeine right now for my "upper respiratory infection", so I'm going to hit the hay.

Just know that I feel awesome, I look awesome and ... I got laid. ;)

There are plenty of fish in the sea... the next one I catch is going to be a whole different story.

Have a drink on me, and a good night's sleep!

Good grief.  The information (or possible dis-information) I have received today has once again created the knot in my stomach that took a week to get rid of.

The former boyfriend messaged me back with my closure.  Are you ready for this?  I mean reallllllyyyy ready for this?

"I thought u had let me go?  We can talk... i did tell u u could txt anytime.  The closure is this: there was another woman.  It was recent and the timing worked out in an odd way... it wasn't planned, it just happened.  I had felt for a little while that we had reached an expiration date but i didn't know how to say that to you.  I won't get into the technical details because they don't matter at this point... sorry I didn't give u closure sooner but this wasn't an easy thing to admit to."

There was another woman.  OMFG!  I knew there was, yet I kept believing him when he told me there wasn't.  All of his stupid excuses about things... UGH I feel like the stupidest girl in the world, and everyone keeps telling me not to, but honestly.

He is such an asshole!  I dedicated my life to him, and was so happy that he had friends.  He didn't have friends - he had this stupid fucking bimbo that he was spending all his "extracurricular" time with.  I feel so dirty and stupid.

He'd spend the evenings at her house, fucking around and then come home to me and sleep in MY bed.  Words can't describe how disgusted I am!!!  He said he was sorry, that he'd been sorry for the entire time that this was eating him up, and he wasn't proud of how this turned out.  Are you kidding me?  It just HAPPENED?

Then he said it was relatively harmless until the last week... oh great, that makes me feel so much better.  He was seeing her for like the last month we were together, that means the entire time we were having problems.  I am such an idiot.

I can't re-hash the entire conversation, because it hurts too much.  Basically, they're together now, living happily ever after and he's going back to Ontario in August.  I guess I didn't really matter after-all, and that hurts so much. 

Guess that's what happens when you fall in love with a douchebag.

I've had a pretty unproductive Sunday, to be honest.  Again, it was extremely hard to get out of bed but the impending arrival of people coming to purchase my furniture, combined with many inquiries about my items listed on kijiji... I was forced to be coherent.

I haven't cried yet today... swallowed my tears a few times, yes.  I messaged him again, (I KNOW... what a waste of fucking time) just asking how this is so easy for him.  My heart has been completely shattered... I just want to skip this process and these feelings, move on with my life!  I already know it's easy for him because life is just a big game to him.  I've spent many hours reading up on the narcissistic sociopath, and I believe he is one through and through.  The problem is accepting that fact... that's what I'm having so much trouble with.

I found another blogger who has dealt with the same things... and her post is amazingly spot-on with how it is to mourn the relationship with someone like him.  It's far from ordinary.  "N" is the Narcissist... "xN" is the ex... "NS" is .. I figured it out last night but can't quite remember.  Either way... it helps me understand that I'm not alone, but accepting that this is the true reality behind the last year and a half of my life is petrifying and unbelievably heart-breaking.

"In a healthy relationship break-up one grieves:

• The dream of love not continuing.
• The break in the continuity of the familiar.
• The pain of saying goodbye.
• The sadness of the exchange of ill will in the parting.
• A sense of loss.
• Living with the nostalgia of things one used to do together, broken memories of past pleasures.
• Hope interrupted.
• Well wishing put aside for self-survival.

Those are typical feelings that can come up after a break-up of a healthy relationship.

But grieving a N there are other ingredients, not available to the public understanding, such as:

• The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
• Discovering the web of lies on many levels.
• Coming to terms with the terrible, terrible understanding that one was not an object of love but a source of NS. That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.
• The dawning of understanding that one's nostalgia and tender memories of affection for the N were corrupted by the N's agenda.
• Not being believed by people about some of the weird things the N did and feeling isolated in one's grief more than in grieving a healthy break-up.
• Discovering with some horror, mingled with relief of a strange kind, that the person one loved was not the person one thought one loved.
• Everything about the relationship shifts into the garish clinical light of the DSMlV. One's object of former love is now something of a lab specimen, "a typical N".
• Not being able to let go with love but having to let go only with understanding. The closure itself has the sadness of knowing the ex is disfigured, deformed but always dangerous. [I'm not certain closure is possible. ~Invicta]
• When one hears one's healthy ex is having sex with a new person, married, or has gone on in their life, there is a sting of sadness, the nostalgia for 'what could have been'. That itself, the astringency becomes part of the detaching. And as time goes by that sting becomes a well wishing, including the ex in one's loving prayers. The ex gets woven into the fabric of one's fond memories.
• But with a xN, news of their present life always bring chills of fear and twinges of unresolved grieving. Who are they hurting now? Will they ever come into my life again? Was I not important to them, was it all that for nothing? Knowing about the N's need for NS one cannot help thinking will they come back for my NS? Was *my* NS something they treasured and miss?
• But in the light of day, understanding the N means that one is not valued for who one IS but only as a commodity, for NS, empty, meaningless NS.
• After the detachment is physically complete with a N there is the nagging abyss of was that all for nothing? It's a terrible loss and there is nowhere to go with that loss. It's static. It doesn't evolve into lost love. It just remains as a loss.

Grieving a N is a burden, it's a hole in one's life."

 --------------------------------------------------------------------

Yep.  That about sums it up.  I think I need some help psychologically... I need to figure out what the hell I was doing with someone like this, and why it was okay for me to stay and beg him to be with me.  I'd never have done that before.  He had some hold on me (still does, I can feel it) for some reason.  I can say at this moment I'd never let him back in, but jeeze he is a slick bastard.  No one understood how I could take him back in the first place.

*sigh* I just want my life back, and wish he'd never been apart of it.

Low and behold he responded to my message - took half a day, but he did.  Says he really did love me.  Really?  Because as far as I've ever been taught, when you love someone you don't run out on them.  When you love someone but it's time to move on, you give them the courtesy of saying goodbye.  You give them a hug, tell them life will be hard without them but that you love them and you always will.  You don't just walk out the door.

I can't stop crying.  My momma came over and helped me pack the living room up this morning... what a champ.  Says she didn't want me home alone stirring over the memories, and she knows exactly what I'm going through.  I actually believe her this time, where I never did before.  Surprisingly, she called this entire situation a year and a half ago, and I refused to accept it.  Blinded by rose-coloured glasses.

I sold some shit today... a mattress, my dresser, area rug, living room shelf... seeing my life disappear into someone else's arms is really taking it's toll on me.  Getting that message from him this morning didn't help, it just begs more questions that he will never give me the answers to.  I told him I was letting go, and said goodbye.  I just want him to beg me to take him back, so I can be the one to say "No.  Sorry, you chose the green grass on the other side.  I'm staying here."  He's left me absolutely powerless in this situation and I hate him for it.

My momma says this is going to take a while to get through... I just want the pain to be over.  There was enough pain when I was IN the relationship. I know it's only been a week since the beginning of the end, but I can't handle this!  It's not a worthless feeling, it's not a self-esteem issue.  More than anything, this is a heart issue.  My heart has never been through this much heartache, and I just need it to stop.